For the past semester, I’ve been attending a support group at my school for guys that have “struggles”. Their struggles aren’t quite the same as my own, but there are a lot of struggles that we have in common. I was recommended this support group by my therapist months ago and I told him that there was no way that I would ever go. I was way too embarrassed to show my face in a support group with people that I would probably see all over campus. My summer was a life changing summer which I will elaborate more on some other time. Upon returning to school fall semester, my therapist reminded me about this “group”. I decided to give it a shot. I’ll never forget the look on my therapists face when I walked through the door that first meeting. He was shocked! Probably more than shocked. But I think he was glad I came.

Anyway, it was a crazy semester. I wasn’t sure if the group was really helping me out much and there were many times that I wanted to quit going. A friend of mine convinced me that I should complete the courses and that it would be good for me. I’m so glad I did! This week was our last meeting as a group. Our assignment was to write a letter to ourselves that walked through the door that first meeting. What did we have to say to him? I wanted to share my letter here. Some of it won’t make much sense since you weren’t there personally, but I hope it will be worth while to read. I wrote it 30 minutes before group started, so it’s basically my thoughts written on paper. It’s pretty random, but then again…so am I.

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Dear Struggler,

What is up? I’m glad to see you came. I can imagine how you must be feeling your first time in “group”. I just want to let you know what you can expect to happen the next few months. First of all…take a deep breath…and keep breathing. That’s a good start. Struggler, get ready to be aware of your feelings. You’re going to have many! The first few weeks (or months) you’re going to feel like this isn’t helping much. You’re going to feel like you don’t really fit in to the group. Oh…by the way. You’re going to tell the guys that you like guys. I know I know what you’re thinking, but you’ll survive and they’ll be totally cool about it. Actually…they’ll be chill about it. It’s a cool word, and you should use it more often. The more you say it, the less people think you “struggle”. Anyway, back to your feelings. You’re going to learn to pay attention to your feelings and it’s not gay to listen to your feelings. I know you’re probably expecting a cure by coming to this, but that most likely won’t happen. It didn’t happen for me, but I’m doing better. So, you will too. Just give it time. You’re going to learn a lot of metaphors. Things like shovels, guns to your head (calm down struggler…it’s just a metaphor) garbage cans, hijacked busses and boulders falling from the mountain and appearing inches from your home to name a few. You’ll like it. I promise. What else? Things I wish I would have done, I wish I would have spoken up more. I’m a pretty quiet guy and Struggler, I’m pretty sure you are too. Just open your mouth a little more. No one will mock what you have to say. Really…they are a way chill group of guys and girl. Aside from the group, you are going to have an interesting semester. Forget about grades…they’re not going to be pretty, but you will experience things you never thought you would. You’re going to tell you parents and past girlfriend about your struggles and they’re going to be a great support. You will gain closer friends than you’ve ever had throughout your life and they will change your life forever! Really, it’s gonna be cool! I’m excited for ya! My advice for you is to stop focusing on you and your problems, and make it a priority to help others in their own struggles, what ever they may be, and then you’ll find the happiness that you’re searching for. Any advice for me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. You’re pretty quiet. Anyway Struggler, I’m glad you came. Stick with it and hopefully you’ll get a diploma from Sexual Concerns 1 for the refrigerator. If not, I’m proud of you anyway. Thanks for letting me be a part of your life. Wish me luck in SC 2 ;)

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Anyway, that was my letter. There were a lot of inside jokes between me and my group in that letter so there were quite a few laughs. But what was interesting about the whole thing is what happened afterwards. After each person read their letters, the other group members offered comments about the letter they had just read. I couldn’t believe what I heard from the other guys after I read my letter. I guess you need to know me a bit here. I really struggle with my self esteem. I hate who I am. I hate everything about me. It’s hard for me to hear compliments because I immediately discount everything that was said. After reading my letter, I got the most uplifting feed back that I’ve ever received from a group of guys like that. It was hard for me to hear the things they said cause it’s hard for me to believe that someone could possibly think so highly of me. They talked about how much I added to the group, even though I was the only one experiencing same gender attraction. They talked about the courage that I gave them by my experiences telling my parents and close friends. It’s fascinating to me that just about each of them now have someone close they can confide in about their own struggles. I was impressed by the steps they have all taken. There was a lot of growth in each of us the past 2 months! I was grateful to be a part of it. I guess the moral of the story is to continue in hard things, even when it doesn’t seem worth it, it will be in the end!