Insight:

Update:

2009-08-10T23:15:00.005-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted. ---- I wrote that sentence an hour ago and since then I've just stared at the computer trying to think of what I could possibly say next. I have no idea. I know I've said this before, but the purpose of this blog was to be a journal of my thoughts. The good times, the bad times and everything in between. Well...I'm very hesitant to post my thoughts because I don't want people to worry about me. I'm fine. I really am. I'm just trying to figure things out. It's proving more difficult for me than I remember it being.

So what's my update? What's new with me? I don't know. All I really want to say right now is 'oh, not much. what's new with you?' but when I ask myself 'what's new with me?' I know there's a lot. Things have changed. It's been quite a year. It was a year ago this month that I finally decided to MEET other people like me. It was terrifying for me, but it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I don't know where I would be today, trying to figure this out on my own. It's great to have friends to rely on who know exactly what I'm feeling, or even friends and family that don't know what I'm feeling, but who share their gift of love and compassion with me. I love all those people. Yep...that means you! Anyway, a lot has changed. Things that I have always been so certain about in life...I'm now doubting to some degree. I'm not completely out of faith, but I'm sure running lower then I should be, but I'm still moving.

I really don't have much to say right now, but I decided to share this clip. This video always makes me laugh!

Tonight, I realized that I'm a lot like those people. It looks so easy to us for them to just keep walking. For me, I'm the king of making things harder than they really are. Anyway, kind of insightful :)

Daily Universe Editorial

2009-07-02T09:34:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to share this here, hopefully you'll have a few minutes to read it. A friend of mine wrote this editorial back in January and BYU's Daily Universe finally published it. I loved it and I think you will too. I hope that it helps both those that struggle and those that don't to have a better understanding of this issue. Check out the PDF version of the paper here. It's on page 3. ENJOY!

Come, Come, Ye Saints

2009-06-17T19:54:00.009-06:00

It's been a while since I've last posted. The purpose for this blog was to be a journal of my experiences with Same Gender Attraction. I wanted to post the good times and the hard times and everything in between so I can see my progression (if any). But since its creation, I have had several close friends and family members that regularly read it and...to be honest...I feel like I can only post the positive things so that no one would worry about me. Because of that...I've really only posted notes of firesides that I've been to and not really about any of my thoughts. Lately....they haven't been really positive and I've been filled more with doubt than faith.

I've kept myself from asking the "why" questions for a long time. Like, "Why do I feel this way?" "Why can't it just go away?" "Why is God allowing me to feel these feelings that are so contrary to the Plan of Salvation instead of taking them away?" I just don't get it. Some days I can see the the positive in this and even find things to be grateful about, and then there are some days I'm just ready to call it quits! Anyway, it's life. Many people have these same thoughts regardless the struggle.

Anyway, I wanted to share this experience that I had last night. I went with some friends of mine to a Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert. The choir is going on tour and they gave a little performance for friends and family. It was a great concert but my thoughts were all over the place! I was mostly focusing on my frustrations with life and also the people around us and wondering what they were thinking. (especially since the people behind us were from my home ward, and the couple to the right were people I went to high school with!) ahh! SO stressful! Anyway, then the choir sang "Come, Come, Ye Saints". Oxymormon (a blog coming soon) leaned over to me before they sang and said, "listen to the words and think how it applies to Same Gender Attraction". I thought, "ok, whatever". Anyway, I really got something from it. So...I posted below a link to the song. I ask you to do what my friend told me, listen to the words and think how it applies to [insert personal struggle here].

I think what got me the most was the second verse.

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!

Well...it's given me something to think about. I hope that you got some Insight too.

In every email home to my family from my mission I would end the words All is Well. I think it fits well here too.

All is Well!

Fireside Notes

2009-06-02T11:13:00.011-06:00

It's been quite some time since I last posted. I'm afraid to say, but it's been a rough month for me. I didn't really have many positive things to write about, so I just didn't write. Last night was the Matis Fireside and, as always, it was exactly what I needed to hear. So here are my notes. They aren't everything, but hopefully it will give you a general idea of what was said. Also, anyone who reads this that attended the fireside, please add any insight that you had last night in the comments. :)

Our presenter was Dr. Steven Smith from the BYU Counseling Center and his topic was Unconditional Self Acceptance:

* "I'm not usually nervous giving lectures, but I empathize with you all to a degree. You are remarkable Latter-day Saints. It is a privilege to be with you tonight."

* "I've always wanted to be cool. But you can't be cool if your clumsy." He then shared several stories about his clumsiness. Stories like throwing up on a date at Lagoon after trying so hard to keep it in, participating in a "Trust Fall" where those who were supposed to catch him...didn't. While lying on the ground looking up they said "Should we have caught you?" He said "That's the general idea!" :) And lastly, his story of a hike he went on where he got stuck between some rocks, decided to stretch out his hands which caused his body to shift and one of the rocks broke his rib! Later, when reenacting the scene to his wife at home, he stretched out his hands and they got caught in the ceiling fan! He said, "Maybe I'll never be "cool", and I'm OK with that. I've come to accept that and it gives me freedom to be cool. it gives me freedom to find out who I really am." People love hearing his stories and he's not embarrassed to tell them, but rather feels pretty cool to have them.

* "Self Acceptance is hard, but it's easy to accept others. People with Same Gender Attraction are really good at accepting others, but not good at accepting themselves. Generally, people with SGA are less judgmental and more empathetic." He grew up in a home where there was a lot of empathy. His parents showed them how to reach out to other people. He shared a story of his father giving a blessing and referred to his fathers hands as his dad's "empathetic hands". He then shared a story about his mother which I didn't take as good of notes about. Sorry, maybe someone can fill us in her story?

* "We have a pretty easy time loving other people, but not our selves". Then he introduced the concept of Unconditional Acceptance. "Unconditional Acceptance doesn't mean that we don't work to improve things...Apply your unconditional acceptance on yourself! Many of you don't know what it means to unconditionally accept yourself!"

* "Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA) doesn't mean staying "stuck", but accepting where you are at." He talked about an OCD client he had. He tried to get him to stop fighting against the compulsions, but just accept that you have them.

* This one is really important, but hard to describe. He asked someone to come up and help him with a demonstration. They both stood facing each other with their palms touching. Dr Smith told the volunteer to resist when he pushed on him. The more he resisted the more the volunteer moved. Then Dr Smith told him to keep his arms loose and when he pushed, there was no resistance and the volunteer didn't move an inch. He said "Accept that push!! Don't resist! Don't fight it! You'll be knocked off balance! When we start thinking, "Oh, this is terrible, I can't stand this anymore, this is awful - you're just going to feel sad and rejected." He said to accept the feeling and move forward.

* "You need to accept that you have these feelings of SGA. Accept it all the way and don't fight against it. Does that mean that you go out and find a partner and live the lifestyle? That's entirely up to you. Do what you believe what is in your best self interest. Many of you are here because you love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Many times you feel that you are the only one, and that no on in the Church understands your struggle. Many of you are fighting with this. Accept that you deal with it."

* "Accepting your SGA and who you are is so important. When you're able to accept who you are, you're more able to move forward in the direction you want to go. It makes it easier, but not easy! Learn to ask yourselves questions like, what does this mean for me? What have I been asked to do?"

* This (he believes) is a trial that has been given to us. He shared something that Elder Maxwell once said while he was going through Chemotherapy. "I'm constantly amazed that the Lord can customize my trials yet give me complete free agency to choose." Dr Smith said, "SGA can be a trial. I'm not saying it's a problem or a weakness, or a fault, but a trial. If you know what Heavenly Father wants you to do with it, you can be on your way to Unconditional Self Acceptance."

* Regarding the Matis', "accepting Stuart's death and moving in a positive direction like they have is a perfect example of unconditional acceptance. My belief is that's what can happen in your life. You can increase your empathy."

* Elder Maxwell gave a talk in General Conference October 1997

"...There are also our customized trials such as experiencing illness, aloneness, persecution, betrayal, irony, poverty, false witness, unreciprocated love, et cetera. If endured well now, "all these things" can be for our good and can "greatly enlarge the soul," including an enlarged capacity for joy...Jesus acknowledged, "For this cause came I into the world" (John 18:37). We too, brothers and sisters, came "into the world" to pass through our particularized portions of the mortal experience. Even though our experiences do not even begin to approach our Master's, nevertheless, to undergo this mortal experience is why we too are here! Purposefully pursuing this "cause" brings ultimate meaning to our mortal lives. And we are greatly helped if we enter with faith that pavilion of perspective--the plan of salvation. Then the search for meaning is ended, even though further and resplendent discoveries await us. Alas, as Church members we sometimes behave like hurried tourists, scarcely venturing beyond the entry point."

* "As you're able to accept this and ask what the Lord requires of you, then you can put your hand in His."

* "I testify that the Savior and His atonement are real! You are beloved sons and daughters of God. His love for you doesn't go up when you are "good" and down when you are "bad", but it is as steady as the sun. Else why would He provide the atonement for each one of us? Thank you for letting me be here, thank you for being you!"

**Brother Matis: "The Lord has called each of you on a mission. Accept yourself and help other people understand this issue." In their experience with holding these firesides, a neighbor called and asked if he could come and set up the chairs. Another neighbor called and asked if she could make food for the fireside. "People want to understand this issue and it's up to you to clean up the garbage that is out there! You are called to help people understand! If they don't know who you are, how can they understand you? People want to know about it!"

I really enjoyed this fireside. I've got serious issues with "Unconditional Self Acceptance." It's something I can work harder on. Anyway, these are the last notes for the Matis firesides for a while. Sister Matis is having severe back pain and last month they found out their daughter has breast cancer and yesterday underwent surgery to remove what they could. For the next few months she will be going through chemotherapy and Sister Matis is in charge of helping with the children. So for their health they are postponing all firesides till September. Keep their family in your prayers. They are incredible!

Self Abuse

2009-04-30T20:46:00.007-06:00

Got your attention? ;) I just wanted to share something I heard the other night. I was in a meeting where this one guy shared his struggle with low self-worth. I really connected with what he said. This is something that I've really struggled with. He said some things that gave me a lot of Insight. He told us that he beats himself up a lot emotionally. Whether it be calling himself names, or just selling himself short on everything he does, he beats himself up because he believes that he actually deserves it! He shared an experience that he had this week where he pictured in his mind what he was doing to himself. He said:

"I pictured myself lying on the ground; bruised and bleeding. Then I could see that it was me that beat myself up...but I continued to beat myself up! It felt right and that I deserved it. Then all of a sudden the Savior took my place on the ground. Would I continue to beat this person when it meant that I was beating the Savior?"

When he shared this, it really hit me hard. How could I possibly do that to the Savior, but feel perfectly fine doing it to myself? I do it all the time! I beat myself up a lot, I discount and discredit things about myself just about everyday! My friend calls it "crap thinking". I do it A LOT! Why do I do this to myself all the time? Why do so many of us do this to ourselves? We don't deserve to treat ourselves like this! Not a single one of us deserves that kind of treatment. Why are we ok with selling ourselves short? I know it's not right and I know that Heavenly Father doesn't feel that way about me, or you, or anyone! He loves us. He really does!

I know that this is all easier said than done. I'm trying to work on this "crap thinking" stuff. If you deal with this too, then please stop abusing yourself. You don't deserve it. God wouldn't do that to you, so why are you doing it to yourself? Try to see yourself the way that God sees you. I'm working on it, I hope you will too.

Logan Fireside Notes

2009-04-28T23:29:00.003-06:00

I know this is a week overdue, but I wanted to post this anyway. Last Monday I attended the Logan fireside. It was my first time and I'm so glad I went (even though it was the middle of finals). The presenter this month was Shari Phippen. She wrote a great article for the Ensign in December 2008 about her experiences with mitochondrial myopathy, a form of muscular dystrophy. I really enjoyed her and what she shared with us. Because you can read her notes here, I wont write a whole lot but I wanted to share a little of what I wrote down myself anyway.

This I Know:

* She knows that she is a child of God. I asked myself if I know I'm a child of God. "Do I really believe it? Do you look in the mirror, do you see that you're a child of God? When we see it, there's nothing we can't do!"

* She knows that Heavenly Father has a plan for her. "Learn to listen to the voice of Heavenly Father and our Savior."

* "Endure it "well". It's not enough to wake up in the morning hoping that it will just go away. Enduring it well means to get up, pray, study and serve."

* "It only gets dark when you turn off the light. You can't bring the dark in."

* "Some things you just need to let go and "send it down the river."

* Reread the words of the Hymn: How Firm a Foundation

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
my grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
the flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."

* She referred to a talk that I don't remember reading before. It was given by Elder Joseph B Wirthlin entitled "Sunday Will Come". It's a great talk. Read it if you have a chance.

There were a number of other things that she said that I wrote down, but I figured you can just read her actual words in the link above and get the whole picture. I came away from this fireside feeling more empowered to press forward and keep going. Life isn't easy for any of us! We all have things before us that seem insurmountable, but with Heavenly Father and the Savior we can keep going - just one step at a time.

If you're in the Logan area, or anywhere near by, I would suggest going to these firesides. Next month will be Robert Crowther, an instructor at the Logan Institute of Religion. Check it out!

Easter Message

2009-04-11T11:38:00.003-06:00

I know many of you have already seen this video, but I wanted to share it here anyway. This is the newest video from Mormon Messages, a YouTube channel by the Church, entitled "An Apostle's Easter Thoughts on Christ." It's from last week's General Conference talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. You can watch his entire talk here but the following video is just a couple clips from it. Happy Easter to all of you! I hope we can all focus more on the Savior and all He has done for each of us!

Fireside Notes

2009-04-07T09:28:00.007-06:00

It's the first Tuesday of the month, and that means another fireside has come and gone. Last night was awesome! The guest speaker this month was Camille Fronk Olson. She is incredible! She's a religion professor at BYU and you'll often see her on BYU TV on the round table discussions of the scriptures. She's great. I wrote about 5 pages of notes as fast as I could and I wanted to share with you some of what she said last night. I hope it will make sense to you.

* She talked about her life experiences where people would treat her differently because she was single until her mid 40''s. People would often tell her that she is doing the wrong thing. She said "There are a lot of people who aren't comfortable with where they are, and they find comfort in telling others that they're not doing the right thing. God is the one that can tell us that."

* "If every job and talent had the same salary, we would see a return to artisanship."

* While teaching seminary, she had a student who was a sophomore that later visited her as a senior in High School. The student told Sister Olson that she decided to leave the Church. Sister Olson asked why and she said that all she ever heard about in the Church was temple marriage, and a list of other "church things" but not enough about Jesus Christ. When Sister Olson asked her seminary students how they felt about that, almost all of them agreed. It was then and there that she made it a priority to focus on Christ in every lesson!

* It is Jesus Christ who heals and brings us "at one" with Him.

* I really liked her advice to "look for Christ first in everything, and He will show you where you are and where you need to go." She talked about Lehi's dream. Lehi was lost until he prayed. Only then did he find where he was. He prayed before he even saw the Tree of Life or the Rod of Iron. We must keep our focus on Christ.

* "A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." She asked what's new about that? If the standard of how we love others is by how we love our selves, then there is a problem! We must love others as He loves us! "We love Him, because He first loved us." When we have His love, it changes the way we see ourselves.

* "Why is it the more diverse the ward, the more unified they are?" She shared experiences in here life where there was diversity in her wards and how unified they were. I loved what she said next. "The architect that designed the Salt Lake Temple designed each stone a slightly different dimension." I never knew that. Later on she said, "You don't look at the Salt Lake Temple and think...I love that stone! It's when we take a step back and see the whole thing and the beauty of it." We are all different and diversity is important. She said that she never felt like she fit the cookie cutter image that is out there. There really isn't a cookie cutter image! That was one of my favorites! I've felt that same way and it's important to know that the mold doesn't even exist!

* We have a term in the Church that makes people a little uncomfortable. The term is "are you worthy?" She always felt that the answers she wanted to give in the temple recommend interview questions were "I'm still a work in progress." But she would say yes cause everyone else says yes ;) But how can we say yes with confidence? If we had to wait till we were "righteous" and by our own merits then what? We can answer with confidence when we have faith in Jesus Christ and a desire to be with Him and through the doctrine of justification, we gain some of Christ's righteousness where we can say..."I'm with Him."

* D&C 18:10 "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" but read the next verse, "For behold, your Lord and Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore He suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto Him" That is why each soul is great in His sight!

* "Life is full of difficulties and turns out different than we expect. Because of that, we knock on His door more fervently."

* She shared a really cool experience she had one day. It was about the same time of year as it is now, one Spring morning, she was walking to work in downtown Salt Lake and she saw an apricot tree. It was just beginning to blossom. Several weeks went by before she saw the tree again and this time when she walked by, she saw that the blossoms were gone, but that the tree was growing leaves. She thought to her self, that surely along with those leaves, would be little green apricots. Sure enough, they were there. Tears in her eyes, she was happy. Her Insight was this: "Even though everything in her life was spinning out of control, the leaves and little apricots on the apricot tree were there at the exact time they were supposed to be." She learned that God is constant and that He loves each of us and has a plan for us.

There were other things she shared that I felt was personal for her so I don't share them here but this was the gist of her talk. After this, she opened the remaining time for discussion.

* Some one asked "Why is there this cookie cutter mentality in the Church?"
She replied, "It's easy to focus on the outward appearance. Whatever the Ensign cover looks like, that's how life should be! But really, the best articles in the Ensign are by "Name Withheld" :) Life just isn't like the Ensign cover.

* We need to stop seeing labels but instead see people! That's what brings us together!

* This was probably my favorite quote of the entire night! This is from one of her students mothers. "Don't judge others just because they choose to sin differently than you do!" I LOVED it!

* Brother and Sister Matis got up and talked for a little while about Stuart's life experiences. I love listening to them! Sister Matis closed by saying "You are among God's most noble spirits. You just don't know who you are, but I know who you are and I love you!"

That's most of my notes from this last fireside. Next month will be Elder Haight's son and his experiences being an Apostles son. Hope you got some Insight from Sister Olson.

Scared

2009-03-30T12:01:00.005-06:00

This video isn't very insightful, but I think it's hilarious! I saw this video several months ago and I wanted to share it here. He's probably got some issues to face in the future, let alone what his mom does to him here. Maybe we'll see him at a fireside someday? ;)

We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet

2009-03-24T00:09:00.005-06:00

Spring is here! I love being outside when the weather is beginning to get warmer, the grass is getting greener and the flowers are beginning to grow. People just seem happier and honestly, there's nothing better than taking a nap on the grass between classes! Spring is wonderful! Spring always reminds me that the time for General Conference is fast approaching. I love General Conference! I always feel spiritually rejuvenated and find more resolve to realign my life with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am excited to hear the words of the Prophet again in less than 2 weeks.

I was talking with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. We were listening to a song on my iPod that was sung at the closing session of General Conference back in October of 2006. I remember watching this session with my family and I remember feeling the spirit so strong when the choir sung "We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet." There was just something special when this song was sung that day. Tears were streaming down my face when I noticed that the congregation stood up on the final verse. I felt a strong confirmation that Gordon B. Hinckley was the Lord's chosen prophet on the earth at that time! It was cool that everyone remained standing even through the closing prayer. I'd never seen that before in a session of conference. Anyway, after talking with my friend about this, I thought for sure someone had felt the same way about this particular experience and that someone had posted a video of it on YouTube. I couldn't find anything, so I decided to create my own YouTube channel so I could upload this and share it with all of you. Check it out, be sure to click HQ in the bottom right corner to watch it in higher quality and watch it till the end. Like I said before, I love it when the congregation stands on the final verse. I still get goosebumps watching that part. ;)

Did you feel it? I hope so. I absolutely love it! I am SO thankful for a prophet! I love President Hinckley and I'm grateful for all he has done for the Church. I'm grateful for President Monson who leads us and guides us today!

I couldn't imagine dealing with life with out a living Prophet to lead us through these troubled times. Same Gender Attraction is confusing and there are so many different messages out there about what should one do who deals with SGA. I testify that the members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles are aware of our situation and that they do love and care for us! They are not here to make life harder for us, but they are here to help each and every one of us to find and stay on the path that will lead us home to our Heavenly Father. They testify to the world that Jesus is the Christ and that He lives and loves us. I feel of their love at each General Conference.

I feel hope when they speak. Just like the 2nd verse says: "When dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us and threaten our peace to destroy, there is hope smiling before us and we know that deliverance is nigh." I'm grateful that I can look to the leaders of the Church for guidance and counsel when my path seems clouded o'er. I've noticed that when they speak, everything in life just seems clearer.

I know that President Monson has been called of God to lead us today. I firmly believe that if we follow his counsel and continue in faith and prayer to our Heavenly Father, that we will not go astray. We will be on the Lord's side. Indeed, I'm thankful for a prophet!

We thank thee, O God, for a prophet
To guide us in these latter days.
We thank thee for sending the gospel
To lighten our minds with its rays.
We thank thee for every blessing
Bestowed by thy bounteous hand.
We feel it a pleasure to serve thee
And love to obey thy command.

Remember Who You Are

2009-03-15T22:14:00.004-06:00

Last night I was watching the movie The Lion King. It's been a long time since I've watched this movie. I know it's Disney which means it's pretty cheesy, but I got a lot of Insight from watching it. Anyway, this is my disclaimer: I feel there are some correlations between parts of The Lion King and the gospel. If you think that's ridiculous, you can stop here. I'm not offended one bit. ;)

OK, here we go. I wanted to add this clip from YouTube and then I thought I'd share some of my thoughts after wards. If you want to watch the full scene, you can go here.

I think many of us know the story here so I don't need to explain. But here are some things that got me thinking:

"Look harder"

Too often I don't look hard enough. I doubt too much and I don't listen to my heart nearly as much as I should. I've posted recently about love. Particularly about God's love for me. I know there have been times in my life where I knew He loves me, but then I forget. And then there are times when I feel His love again, but then I discount it with my list of reasons why He couldn't possibly love me! Lately, I've been trying to feel God's love and I realize that it's always been there. I just needed to look harder and then I could see it. (by looking harder, I think regular prayer and scripture study are a key to that process) I know I'm not perfect and I know God knows I'm not perfect, but I think He loves me anyway. So that's the point here. God has not stopped loving me and He hasn't stopped loving you. If we, for what ever reason, feel He doesn't love us - then let's try to look harder and maybe we'll see it.

"You have forgotten who you are"

I remember growing up, before I left for school in the morning my mom would say "A.struggler! Remember who you are!" (OK...so that's not my name, but you get the idea :) ) I'm grateful that she would always remind me to think of who I really am. Recently I have forgotten who I am. Who am I...really? Am I just a second class member of the Church because I have these same gender attractions? To be completely honest, I have felt that way a lot. Today I don't. I think I'm more than that. I am His son, a son of God.

"Look inside your self (insert name here), you are more than what you have become."

I wonder if we really knew our potential, would we be doing what we're doing? If I really knew who I could become, would I be making the same mistakes that I make every day? I think that every one of us has the potential to be someone great! Even greater than the person we are now.

"How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be?"

This one really got to me. I've said these exact same words many times before. I'm not the same person that I was on my mission, or in seminary or what ever. I could never be that person again. I've made too many mistakes. When I watched this movie, I was like..."Simba! You're fine! Go back! It wasn't your fault! They need you back at pride rock!" That sounds silly, I know. When I have friends that tell me that they just can't go back to church or the temple cause they've done too much and that they wont find happiness there I just want to shake them and help them understand how wrong that thought is. The thing is, I've had those thoughts all the time recently. "I can't go back to the temple, I'll never belong there." It's false! Absolutely false! We can do it and we must! We are needed at church and we are needed at the temple! We can go back, thanks to our Savior, Jesus Christ and His Atonement.

"Remember who you are, you are my son and the one true king"

I just feel that it's so important to remember who we are. If you're anything like me, then you probably need to hear this more often. Remember who you are, we are His children and we have the opportunity to be like Him someday.

OK, did you survive this cheesy comparison? If you did, thanks for sticking around. I know The Lion King isn't doctrine, nor is it something we should stand up in Fast and Testimony meeting and declare that this movie is true, but I feel there are some principles shared that can be applied to each of our lives. Thanks again for sticking around. Remember who you are, cause to me...you're amazing!

Family

2009-03-03T00:54:00.004-07:00

No, this post isn't really about the family that I was born into, but more about the family that I'm a part of today. I just got back from one of my favorite Matis Firesides that I've been to and I'm feeling so good. Those firesides really keep me going. They help me to get my life realigned to where it should be. It's amazing. I love the Matis family. They are so inspiring and I love every second that I'm around them. They are incredible! Anyway, I had a lot of good experiences tonight. I brought a friend who I recently told and it was a really good experience for her. We talked a little while afterwards and there were lots of things that she said that really made me think. What I wanted to focus on in this post was family.

My friends and I frequently joke about the term family. We use that word as a code word to know if someone else was gay. Like we would ask - "so, is he...family? It's great! We know exactly what the other person was asking. I used to use the term struggler (Is he a struggler?) but a lot of people have negative attitudes about the term struggler, so I figured family was a better word to use. Tonight, I feel it's fitting. These friends are like a family to me!

When you think of a family, you think of a safe place where you can feel happiness and love when you're around them. It's a place where you can "let your hair down" and just be yourself! That's what it's like when I go to these firesides. I don't have to worry about keeping up the facade of being a "normal" straight guy, but I can be who I really am. Yeah, I struggle with SGA, but I'm more than that. I can also be the kind of guy that I hope I am, or at least the kind of guy that I want to be - a caring and compassionate person. Those traits are generally frowned upon in society, at least if you're a male. It's not thought of being very masculine to show another person that you sincerely care about what's going on in their life, their ups and downs and everything in between, especially if it's another male. Ideally, a family is a place to share your burdens and get the help and strength that you need to get back out there and keep fighting. That's what these people are to me, my family.

I do want to clear up two things. First, my earthly family is great. I have nothing against any of them. My parents are doing their best to be supportive of me and my situation. I haven't told any of my brothers or sisters about my situation so I really can't complain that they continue to push dating and marriage because they don't really understand how much that doesn't help me right now. I just don't feel I can be myself around them like I can with my family. Second, a person doesn't need to experience SGA to be considered the family that I'm referring to in this post. I was only referring to our code to each other about how to say someone was gay with out saying...gay. I love my friends that are straight who go to the firesides. I consider them family because they let me just be me and love me unconditionally.

I'm sure not everyone has had the same experiences at the Matis Firesides as I've had, but I'm grateful for the feelings of love and compassion toward one another that I've felt when I'm around this amazing family.

Love

2009-02-13T00:12:00.003-07:00

This has been on my mind a lot lately, not that it’s nearing Valentines day or anything. ;) For most of my life, I’ve struggled with the question – Does God really love me? There are things in life that I know. I know that President Monson is a true prophet; and I know the Church was restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. But what I’ve struggled to know for myself is, does God love me? I know God loves you, and him, and her…but does He really love me? I posted this question to my friends on North Star and I received some really good responses. One friend said that "he saw small glimpses of His love for others but that he had to consciously choose to believe that He feels the same love for me." I really liked that. Another friend said that he knows God loves him because of the Atonement. That is, I believe, the greatest act of love. I’ve never really used that as a reason that He loves me because He did that for every one that has ever lived! Not just for me! Another friend asked me, “How do you know God doesn’t love you?” I know that I’ve come up with several reasons in my head, but deep down I know that none of them are really valid. I guess I don’t really have reasons why He doesn’t love me! I had many other responses from these great guys that really helped me out.

Anyway, this topic has been on my mind a lot lately and I’ve been trying to notice things in my life where I could know for myself that He does love me. Last Sunday, we sang several hymns. The first two that were sung talked about God’s love. For the closing hymn, my friend turned to “Our Savior’s Love” by mistake. I kind of laughed. I thought it would have been funny if that was the closing hymn. It was like God was trying to tell me something. Later, I read the words:

Our Savior's love shines like the sun with perfect light,

As from above it breaks thru clouds of strife.

Lighting our way, it leads us back into his sight,

Where we may stay to share eternal life.

I want to feel that love. I want to know it. I don’t think I’ll gain this knowledge over night though. But I hope to continue to see the little tender mercies of the Lord where I can feel His love. I saw this today and I wanted to share it here. I love Elder Holland and the simple, yet profound way that he teaches.

I think that he was mostly talking about dating and relationships, but I felt some of it was about God's love. "Love one another as I have loved you."

I'm still trying to figure these things out, but I'm grateful for the glimpses of His love that I feel every now and then.

Moho

2009-01-20T18:12:00.003-07:00

Life is Beautiful sent me this and I found it very humorous. Be sure to read comment # 14 by Silver. It helps me to be more grateful that I'm...the way I am. ;)

A New Year!

2009-01-04T19:36:00.013-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about everything that has happened this past year. 2008 was quite a big one for me! I haven't posted "my story" yet, but I hope this will give you a little insight about who I am. Get ready! It might be kind of long since I'm trying to summarize one year in one post. :)

January 2008
I went on a family vacation to Disneyland. I'm the youngest of 6 kids, all of which are married with at least 4 kids in each family except for me and my sister who died 3 years ago this month. I had a great time with them, but it was probably being in such a situation that caused me to really confront my feelings of same gender attraction. I felt very different from the rest of my family and I felt very alone. One night while in the hotel, I posted a personal ad online asking if there was anyone else out there that struggles with SGA. I got a lot of responses. I made a few friends online that I was able to talk to. In one of the responses I got, I learned that my school has a counseling center that I could go and visit with a therapist for free.

February - April 2008
After finding the courage, I decided to take advantage of the counseling center. I was set up with a therapist and I had a hard time talking to him. I don't think I've ever stared at my shoes as long as I did that day. I was so embarrassed to talk to any one about it. My first time wasn't the best experience and I didn't really connect with this therapist. I petitioned to the center that I be set up with a different therapist that deals more with my specific issues. After meeting my new therapist, I was able to open up more. I felt much more comfortable talking to him and I didn't stare at my shoes nearly as much. ;) He helped me confront many of my issues. He said what would help me the most is meeting other guys that struggle. I was very opposed to the idea and I told him that it would never happen! There was no way that I was going to meet other people and have my identity known. I was sure that only bad things would come of it. Anyway, the semester ended and I returned home for the summer.

May - July 2008
I don't know what it was, but being home was kind of rough. I love my parents and I had a great time being with them, but I just felt very alone. Out of desperation, I Googled for help. Help with my same gender attraction issues. The very first thing that came up was North Star. It was like finding an oasis in a long, dry desert! I absolutely loved even the design of the web page. It just looked so clean and I felt really good about it! It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I posted my thoughts and I got really good, positive feedback from other guys that are struggling, but doing their best to remain true and faithful to their covenants. I felt so much encouragement from those guys and they helped me to turn my life around. North Star can be a great resource for many that are needing support living by the Church's standards. It's been so helpful for me.

August 2008
Every month there are the Matis Firesides. The Matis family had a son that took his own life because of his struggle with same gender attraction and since then they have held monthly firesides to strengthen others that are "touched by SGA in some way". I had heard about them before from North Star but I was still not going to meet any one in person about this issue let alone a whole room of people. A friend of mine invited me (again) to come and after a lot of convincing and after I had given him every excuse in the book, deep down I felt that I was supposed to go. I was scared to death of who I would see there, but I went. It was a great experience. I've never felt so much love and acceptance in one room before! I'm not a hugging kind of guy, but (I know this sounds weird) I received some of the most amazing hugs there that night. Nothing bad, but I knew that these people honestly cared about me even though they didn't even know me! It was an incredible feeling. I met some people that night that would later change my life. I'm so grateful for my friend that was persistent in his invitations to get me to go!

September 2008
I look forward to each fireside and at each one I get more and more comfortable. It's so nice to meet other people and realize A) These people are awesome! B) They also struggle with SGA and C) I can be awesome and struggle! It was life changing to realize that. I forget this thought all too often, but there are days that I remember I can be a good person and struggle with this stuff. I bought In Quiet Desperation and I have loved reading that book! I think that everyone should read it. It applies to so many different struggles! I met more and more people this month and went on random, spontaneous road trips and I loved every bit of it. I could tell that school was not going to be a priority in my life this semester! ;) I didn't care cause I was having the time of my life.

October 2008
I was becoming more and more comfortable with my struggle with SGA. I knew that it wasn't the end of the world to be attracted to men. I joined a support group at school for guys that struggle with all sorts of stuff. At the beginning, it was very nerve wracking! I was still dead set on not telling any one of my struggles then I found my self telling my support group that I like dudes. I had a very positive experience with that but I still believed that it would be better if I were dead than to tell my parents of my struggle! Well...I had a lot of friends that had really positive experiences telling people close to them and since I usually follow the crowd...I found my self one night after a family Halloween party telling my parents "my story". I was scared to death of what their reaction might be. I think I thought of every reaction I could possibly think of! They surprised me both! My mom didn't even cry! They were both shocked (which I was grateful for and honestly, it was quite a self esteem boost) my dad thought I was just teasing my mom. They were really supportive and we had longer discussions about it after that night. But I did it! I never thought I would do it! And I did it! It was a BIG deal to me.

November 2008
Nothing too big happened this month (at least that I can remember right now). I had more trips with my friends and had a great time. I met more people at the firesides and made great friendships.

December 2008
My parents came to their first fireside. I was so nervous the whole time wondering what was really going through their minds. It turns out they had a really good time and they were grateful to meet my friends that have changed my life. They were even willing to have a bunch of them crash my house after the fireside! That was fun. A few days later I decided to tell one of my best friends that I've known since middle school! I was pretty nervous about it, but she's been really supportive. She's even coming to January's fireside :)

Anyway, that's pretty much my 2008 in review. I'm sure I'm missing a lot in there, but those are the big events. I'm grateful for the year that I had. There were lots of challenging times, but every one of them have been so worth it. 2009 is already off to a good start and I'm excited for what lies ahead this year!

Group Therapy

2008-12-11T17:30:00.004-07:00

For the past semester, I’ve been attending a support group at my school for guys that have “struggles”. Their struggles aren’t quite the same as my own, but there are a lot of struggles that we have in common. I was recommended this support group by my therapist months ago and I told him that there was no way that I would ever go. I was way too embarrassed to show my face in a support group with people that I would probably see all over campus. My summer was a life changing summer which I will elaborate more on some other time. Upon returning to school fall semester, my therapist reminded me about this “group”. I decided to give it a shot. I’ll never forget the look on my therapists face when I walked through the door that first meeting. He was shocked! Probably more than shocked. But I think he was glad I came.

Anyway, it was a crazy semester. I wasn’t sure if the group was really helping me out much and there were many times that I wanted to quit going. A friend of mine convinced me that I should complete the courses and that it would be good for me. I’m so glad I did! This week was our last meeting as a group. Our assignment was to write a letter to ourselves that walked through the door that first meeting. What did we have to say to him? I wanted to share my letter here. Some of it won’t make much sense since you weren’t there personally, but I hope it will be worth while to read. I wrote it 30 minutes before group started, so it’s basically my thoughts written on paper. It’s pretty random, but then again…so am I.

****

Dear Struggler,

What is up? I’m glad to see you came. I can imagine how you must be feeling your first time in “group”. I just want to let you know what you can expect to happen the next few months. First of all…take a deep breath…and keep breathing. That’s a good start. Struggler, get ready to be aware of your feelings. You’re going to have many! The first few weeks (or months) you’re going to feel like this isn’t helping much. You’re going to feel like you don’t really fit in to the group. Oh…by the way. You’re going to tell the guys that you like guys. I know I know what you’re thinking, but you’ll survive and they’ll be totally cool about it. Actually…they’ll be chill about it. It’s a cool word, and you should use it more often. The more you say it, the less people think you “struggle”. Anyway, back to your feelings. You’re going to learn to pay attention to your feelings and it’s not gay to listen to your feelings. I know you’re probably expecting a cure by coming to this, but that most likely won’t happen. It didn’t happen for me, but I’m doing better. So, you will too. Just give it time. You’re going to learn a lot of metaphors. Things like shovels, guns to your head (calm down struggler…it’s just a metaphor) garbage cans, hijacked busses and boulders falling from the mountain and appearing inches from your home to name a few. You’ll like it. I promise. What else? Things I wish I would have done, I wish I would have spoken up more. I’m a pretty quiet guy and Struggler, I’m pretty sure you are too. Just open your mouth a little more. No one will mock what you have to say. Really…they are a way chill group of guys and girl. Aside from the group, you are going to have an interesting semester. Forget about grades…they’re not going to be pretty, but you will experience things you never thought you would. You’re going to tell you parents and past girlfriend about your struggles and they’re going to be a great support. You will gain closer friends than you’ve ever had throughout your life and they will change your life forever! Really, it’s gonna be cool! I’m excited for ya! My advice for you is to stop focusing on you and your problems, and make it a priority to help others in their own struggles, what ever they may be, and then you’ll find the happiness that you’re searching for. Any advice for me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. You’re pretty quiet. Anyway Struggler, I’m glad you came. Stick with it and hopefully you’ll get a diploma from Sexual Concerns 1 for the refrigerator. If not, I’m proud of you anyway. Thanks for letting me be a part of your life. Wish me luck in SC 2 ;)

****

Anyway, that was my letter. There were a lot of inside jokes between me and my group in that letter so there were quite a few laughs. But what was interesting about the whole thing is what happened afterwards. After each person read their letters, the other group members offered comments about the letter they had just read. I couldn’t believe what I heard from the other guys after I read my letter. I guess you need to know me a bit here. I really struggle with my self esteem. I hate who I am. I hate everything about me. It’s hard for me to hear compliments because I immediately discount everything that was said. After reading my letter, I got the most uplifting feed back that I’ve ever received from a group of guys like that. It was hard for me to hear the things they said cause it’s hard for me to believe that someone could possibly think so highly of me. They talked about how much I added to the group, even though I was the only one experiencing same gender attraction. They talked about the courage that I gave them by my experiences telling my parents and close friends. It’s fascinating to me that just about each of them now have someone close they can confide in about their own struggles. I was impressed by the steps they have all taken. There was a lot of growth in each of us the past 2 months! I was grateful to be a part of it. I guess the moral of the story is to continue in hard things, even when it doesn’t seem worth it, it will be in the end!

Because I Have Been Given Much

2008-11-25T00:59:00.006-07:00

I have a favorite hymn. Ok, I have a lot of favorite hymns. But one that I've always considered to be at the top of my list, is the hymn "Because I Have Been Given Much". Singing that song last Sunday, I've been thinking a lot about the words ever since.

Because I have been given much, I too must give;
Because of thy great bounty, Lord, each day I live
I shall divide my gifts from thee With every brother that I see
Who has the need of help from me.

I don't think there is a better time to recognize and be grateful for the things that we've been given than during Thanksgiving. I know that I have been given much! I have food and shelter. I have friends that help me when I need it most. And I have a family that loves and supports me in all I do. I really couldn't ask for more! Because I have been given much, I too must give!

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care,
I cannot see another's lack and I not share
My glowing fire, my loaf of bread, my roof's safe shelter over head,
That he too may be comforted.

For me, I think I've always had the excuse that I have nothing to really give people. I'm a poor college student, what could I possibly have that could help other people out? It wasn't till I read these words that I realized that it wasn't as hard as I was making it to be. A glowing fire, a loaf of bread and a roof's safe shelter over head are not impossible things to offer other people but we do it, so that others may be comforted. I like how it says "that he too may be comforted." That implies that I was comforted first, perhaps by someone else who was comforted by someone else.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love, dear Lord,
I'll share thy love again, according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need; I'll show that love by word and deed:
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

It was this verse that got to me the most. I sang this song while I was sitting next to some of my friends who have completely changed my life forever. I got a little emotional. I've seen the fulfillment of verse 3 in my own life with the very people I was sitting next to. I have been so blessed by God's love. I know a lot of people who share His love according to His word. So, now it's up to me. Now that I've felt His love, especially from the people around me, now it's time for me to give love to those in need. Everyone is in need of His love and we can show it by what we say and what we do. That's how we can show our thanks and gratitude to Heavenly Father for all that we've been given.

In struggling with Same Gender Attraction, I realize that I have been given much. Let me explain. For the longest time, I felt that I needed to carry this burden alone. I couldn't reach out to anyone else for help because I feared what their reactions would be. Since I've been able to open up, I now realize all that God has given me to help me with my struggles of Same Gender Attraction. This isn't something that anyone should do alone. I'm grateful that I struggled with this at a time where there are lots of resources. The booklet God Loveth His Children, the book In Quiet Desperation, and my therapist have helped me come to terms with my struggles. I've had great Bishops that have helped me to take care of the past and look to the future. I have loving parents that, even though they don't fully understand my struggle, have given me the love and support that I've needed. I have friends that have changed my perspective on life and my struggles and always know what to say and when to say it. I owe a lot to these friends. And ultimately, I know and recognize that all this has come from Heavenly Father. He promised that He wouldn't leave us down here alone. I'm grateful to Him for all He has blessed me with.

I have been given much and I too must give. I shall divide my gifts from thee, with every brother that I see who has the need of help from me.

First Timer

2008-10-23T15:02:00.001-06:00

One of my biggest regrets in life is that I've never kept a journal longer than 2 months. One reason why I haven't is because I felt that I couldn't possibly express on paper what I was really feeling inside. I was too afraid that my journal would be read by someone else and then my darkest secrets would be made known. I am so grateful today for blogs! It's something so new to me since I've been home from my mission. I have several friends that have blogs and I've finally decided to start my own! Now I can write my thoughts and feelings completely unrestrained!

I think one of the benefits of keeping a faithful journal is that you are able to see your progression (or regression) over a long period of time. I wish I could look back at my life and see how I've progressed. In my mind, I feel like I haven't progressed at all, but deep down I know that I have. My goal is to faithfully post here so I am more able to track my progression and remember special experiences that occur day to day.

President Kimball spoke about the importance of journals. He said:

"Your private journal should record the way you face up to challenges that beset you...Experiences of work, relations with people, and an awareness of the rightness and wrongness of actions will always be relevant. Your journal, like most others, will tell of problems as old as the world and how you dealt with them.

Your journal should contain your true self rather than a picture of you when you are “made up” for a public performance."

I will record on here the way I face my challenges, particularly the challenges of same gender attraction. I want to be my "true self" on here and I'll try not to sugar coat anything or beat around the bush. I'm pretty good at that. I just want to be honest, especially honest with myself. So, here we go!

Look at me, mom! I'm blogging!